A book I can permanently close

When my heart feels this heavy
I really can't explain
How as someone who has so much in his life
I can feel this kind of pain

I couldn't feel more contempt
For myself and don't know why
I just want to lock myself away
Just hide from the world and cry

It feels as though I'm always waiting
To be uncovered, be found out
As a fraud, a phoney, a charlatan
And I don't understand what that's about

I've been relatively successful
Two kids, two cars, nice house
A wife who I love completely
Why did she deserve this spouse?

I often wonder where they'd all be
If tomorrow I was gone
And without me how would their lives change
But I'm sure they'd carry on

Maybe without me as a weight
Forever holding them back
They'd find a happy place to be
Stop defending and attack

Life is for the living
Sometimes I'm the living dead
I just wish I could silence the doubt
And the questions in my head

I really fear my feelings
May be passed on, be genetic
I'd hate it if my legacy was
Feeling useless and pathetic.

My boy is very sensitive
But bright and full of life
My girl is challenging, opinionated
And strong willed like my wife

I know that they can both grow up
To be something of which i'll be proud
They both have what it takes I think
To stand out from the crowd

So every day ill do my best
To make them believe their dad is fine
I think i'm a reasonable actor
And these are well remembered lines.

It would be nice to just be me
And not have to wear a mask
Sadly though, for now at least
It seems that's too much to ask.

So, for now, two green pills a day
Are the answer to my woes
I hope this is a book that soon
I can permanently close.

Introduction

I have been suffering with depression for a while now, and have been trying to think of ways to deal with my feelings and how to voice them without upsetting people who care for me.

I recently took to writing things down, and then drifted in to something I have not done for many many years.  I think I last wrote poetry in the third year of Junior school (a time where I was feeling very much the outsider and the easy target) and maybe its at these times in my life when I am struggling with being me that I have this desire to write.  God knows.  But I am going to post some stuff here from time to time and if anyone is interested then that's great.

If no one is interested then I totally understand!  I don't think I am that interesting either!