Life

From the moment we are born

We're all in a race.

And the prize that we get at the end?

Its to depart this place 

To where though? I have No idea.

Heaven, if you believe

Or if you've been a bit of a shit

Hell will give you no reprieve.

But if you're like me and don't believe

That there's an almighty god

Then were do we go, what happens to us

When we're under the sod?

Was there really no point to this whole life? 

Is that really the just end?

Do we just simply stop existing

And become a long lost friend?

Life is a terminal disease

Along the course of life there'll be highs,

And some painfully crushing lows.

There'll be things you happily tell the world

And other things that no one knows

About yourself, your feelings,

Or about your inner fears.

About the times you sat alone

and shed your private tears

If you're lucky enough that you were born

Into a life that's known love and caring

Then this seemingly pointless race to the grave

Can be okay, be good, be worth sharing

Just share it with the one you love

The one who truly makes you smile.

The one who when you need a hug,

Is the first number you dial 

This life is short, of that I'm sure

There's no cure for its obvious goal

So spend as much of it as you possibly can

With the one who makes you a whole.

Because sadly, life is a terminal disease

Sub standard

Slightly damaged goods,

Shop soiled.

Not quite as described,

Embroiled 

In a world inside his head

Were nothing's as it seems

Were every waking moment

Feels like a really weird dream

A few cards short of a full deck,

And all of his cards are marked.

Not quite sure what the big plan was

When this life he embarked.

But quite sure that it wasn't this, 

This wasn't his life's goal.

To feel that every day is another

Nail right though his soul

At an age where he should be

Quite content with his lot.

He feels the seams are tearing daily 

And happy he is not

Medication takes off the edge

And most days that is fine.

And if all else fails there's oblivion 

In a bottle or two of wine.

So is this it? Is this the way

That life is supposed to be?

Or is it just that this is who

I am, is this just me?

Asleep

Not my words, the lyrics of The Smiths "Asleep"

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

I'm tired and I

I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

And then leave me alone

Don't try to wake me in the morning

'Cause I will be gone

Don't feel bad for me

I want you to know

Deep in the cell of my heart

I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

I don't want to wake up

On my own anymore

Sing to me

Sing to me

I don't want to wake up

On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me

I want you to know

Deep in the cell of my heart

I really want to go

There is another world

There is a better world

Well, there must be

Well, there must be

Well, there must be

Well, there must be

Well...

Bye bye

Bye bye

Bye...

A potter without clay

Just when I have reached a point

At which I'm feeling stable

Life sits me down and yet again

I'm on the wobbly table!

I'm ill, there's something wrong with me.

My boss would argue though,

Apparently "it's in my head"

But it's my body and I know!

I've a hernia, that has been confirmed

But that's not why I'm ill.

There's something else I'm sure of it 

And frankly I've had my fill.

In a week where my respect,

For my boss ebbed away,

So in tandem did my mental state

Now I'm the potter with no clay.

I want to be a healthy me

Physically and mentally too

But I can't help the physical

And the mental issues have staged a coup

Pounced upon my weakness'

My pressures and ill health .

Marched back in to take the throne

Stripping me of mental wealth 

The coffers now completely empty,

My resolve stores are all bare.

And there are really few who'll notice this

Even fewer who will really care.

Sometimes I want to close my eyes

And be gone, be whisked away.

To find a peace and health to boot

Without a massive price to pay.

But I'm average, not a special man

Round every corner there's one of me.

Replaceable and dispensable 

Not remarkable, ordinary.

Trying my best to be just me

And hoping it's enough

And failing miserably realising,

That life is really tough.

My skin it seems is way too thin

And my body's laid down arms.

Decided not to defend its self

And my Self esteem self harms!

Tomorrow is another day

I hope it's better than today.

For now ill sleep, recharge the body

Hope the darkness goes away.

And hope tomorrow dawns with hope

Not dread, despair and tears

I'm ready now if god is listening,

I've been waiting nigh on 40 years.

Not my own

The writing of Patrick MacGill from 1916. Found in the pages of autobiography by Morrissey.

Over the top is cold, matey

You lie on the field alone.

Didn't I love you of old, matey

Dearer than the blood of my own.

You were my dearest chum, matey

(Gawd! But your face is white)

But now though reliefs have come, matey,

I'm goin' alone tonight.

I'd sooner the bullet was mine, matey

Goin' out on my own,

Leaving you 'ere on the line, matey

All by yourself, alone.

Chum o' mine and you're dead, matey

And this is the way we part.

The bullet went through your head, matey

But Gawd! It went through my 'eart

Clouds in my mind

The sun comes out

But in my mind the clouds are fully formed

The cold and negative way I feel 

Is a place that can't be warmed

And though I have the support

And love from people who I know care,

Sometimes I can't blow the clouds away

And the pain is hard to bear

If only I believed in me 

The way that others do.

Instead of the self doubt and crippling fear

Traits I have but which I rue

One day it's just a maybe but,

Ill look in the mirror and see, 

A confident man with self belief

Staring right back at me.

For now this mess I call my mind

And all the crap it's amassed,

I hope will find good weather soon

And the clouds will Have finally passed,

Why?

Why is it I only write
when I am feeling down?

It's never written with a smile

always a grimace or a frown

I'd love to have a creative urge

when hopelessness hadn't took hold.

and talk about the positives,

and not the negatives in bold

Why do I not talk about 

the joy that music brings?

the beauty of a chilly morning

as winter turns to spring

Why do I never just stand still

and take in all of life's beauty?

instead life is just passing by

it seems to ignore it is my duty.

There are some people in my life

who make me glad to be alive.

When i'm with them life is easy

no need to struggle or to strive

The world with them seems simple 

because then it all makes sense.

I only have to be myself, 

no front and no pretence

When i feel happy & contented,

Answers I no longer seek

and on to paper my creative juice

just doesn't want to leak

It doesn't mean I don't see the beauty

or appreciate whats good

It just seems I have more to say

when I am spilling blood.

My life compared to many I know

is rich and when i'm dead

most people will not know the pain

and the demons in my head

Those that do, a select few

I trusted enough to tell

I'm sure they didn't all understand

but they helped me to stay well.

And to those very special ones

who read these lines when I am blue,

know who I am and are always there

I couldn't function without you

So please my friends don't be too scared,

if my thoughts seem dark or on the brink.

I write them down to help me cope, 

leave them here then I can think.

The creativity I talked about

its more cleansing and it helps me

that's why I only write when i'm down

I leave things here and i'm free.

Spineless

Spineless and
Gutless.
lacking morals altogether

Weak and
Pathetic.
and as a friend lets say fair weather

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Miserable and
Short tempered.
not fun to be around

Depressed and
Erratic.
seldom is a smile on my face found

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Worrying and
Insomnia.
anxiety takes control

Tiredness and
Aggression follow.
they swallow me up whole

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Professional and
In control.
the image I have to show

Falling apart and
Self doubt reign.
each day deals another blow

This is how I feel about myself
God knows what others see
If I hide it as well as I think
Hopefully they see another me.

Spineless,
Gutless,
Weak and
Pathetic

Miserable,
Short tempered,
Depressed and
Erratic

Worrying,
Insomniac,
Tired and
Aggressive

Professional and
In control, HA,
Falling apart
Self doubting

If only I could reconcile
Why it is I feel this way.
Instead I wake up and feel this way
And dread each miserable day.

Cloak of black

From nowhere down it comes again
That all encompassing cloak of black
It touches everything about me
And, I just can't hold it back

Sleep again is first to go,
Its the most obvious sign,
And then the mood steadily declines
As the blackness clouds my mind

Ill become a different person again
And it's him that I despise
As do those who live with me
I can see it in their eyes

My resistance to this cloak of black
In recent times has worn quite thin
To a point where I don't fight anymore
It's so much easier to give in

To lay back, let the black take hold
And accept that I am down.
That for a while my smile will be
Replaced with this miserable frown

Acceptance that this is who i am
Not easy to achieve,
But It's either that or call it a day
And politely take my leave

Quietly slip away and with
The least fuss that I can
Conclude my life, call it a day
Close the book on this sad man

We don't see our own qualities

Demonstrative, cold
Wrinkly and grey
That is how you
Described yourself today

But that is not
what I saw at all
I saw a really nice woman
5 foot 1 inches tall

And I realised
We don't see our own qualities

Most of the time I feel
Dull, uninspired
But I paint on a smile
Laugh and joke when required

But people rely on me
Look up to me too
When it comes to self image
I'm exactly like you

The reality is
We don't see our own qualities

It's so easy to be critical,
Of yourself in particular
Because you don't argue back see
So nothing could be simpler

But it's a one sided argument
No checks or balance applied.
It's just your messed up self image and
Your self image has lied

And I know that I for sure
don't see my own qualities

So can you change a perception that is
Built up over so many years?
That's made of your experience, your life,
Your laughter and tears?

if we could see with others eyes
We'd see the people others see
It's a shame we can't do that just the once
I'm certain I'd see a different me

For now at least
We don't see our own qualities

Most people who know me
would not think I get so down,
So negative about myself
I'm much more the class clown

I wish I felt just a little bit more
Like the person that they see.
But I don't, and that's sad
But in the end i suppose that is me

Maybe one day, hopefully not too late
I will see my own qualities.

What is love?

What is love?
I ask myself
And I don't really know

I know I care
And want to protect
But is that really love?

Is love itself the longevity
The desire to care
To protect

And although it may not feel exciting
Is that love?

Is that what it's supposed to be
No hearts and flowers
But care?

On a scale where you'd lay down your life
To shelter
To provide for and protect.

Is love itself the longevity
The desire to care
To protect

And although it may not feel exciting
Is that love?

That stomach flipping
Sickly feeling that makes us feel alive.
Is that just infatuation?

Is what happens when something's new
Not love
But a chemical reaction.

Is love itself the longevity
The desire to care
To protect

And although it may not feel exciting
Is that love?

When we 1st meet everything feels electric
And over time
Well, normality kicks in

Do we love each other less
Because normality took hold
Or do we indeed have more?

Is love itself the longevity
The desire to care
To protect

And although it may not feel exciting
Is that love?

Or does love actually not exist
And we simply fit together
Some of us forever

Whatever the truth
Relationships are special
And the good times we should treasure

Is love itself the longevity
The desire to care
To protect

And although it may not feel exciting
Is that love?

The bad times are a challenge
And will take your heart
And stamp on it

So 1st and foremost
Love yourself
And the other stuff, let it be.

Blind faith

I can laugh now,
reading my own words back,
And that's a result itself
Because laughter was absent last year
With my fucked up mental health

But what I find amusing
In my musing here last year
Is that 2013 seemed the answer
And now 2013's here!

And nothing really changes,
Midnight only really dawns tomorrow
Not a new life, not redemption
No joy will spring from sorrow

I understand its a point in time
Something on which to focus
But new year isn't magical
There'll be no hocus pocus!

The changes in ones self don't need
A Calendar to alter
You're the only one who decides
If you press on or if you falter

I heard myself say that
I'd "had a bit of a bad year"
And fair enough I suppose all told
I had shed the odd tear!

But I'm the master of myself
And know the changes I have to make
To ensure that going forward
I don't make the same mistakes

No medication is needed
No discussions with a shrink
All I need going forward now
Is my space, some room to think.

My New Years resolutions are
More resolutions for the rest of my days
To learn guitar (i know its lame!)
And to fundamentally change my ways

I've bought a guitar, I've made a start
I've learnt a chord so far
Ha, I'm really rocking there
So watch out Johnny Marr! (Not)

And with regard to changing ways
That's more about my mind
And how I react to pressure, challenges
And at home time leave work behind.

I have a life outside of work
And I must make it more mine!
I may not be on earth for very long
And I'm gonna make best use my time!

If you like me have challenges
That no one else can see
Then I hope you can place some trust
And some faith, albeit blind, in me

You have it in you to change your path
It's there inside your head
Do what I've done, dispense with fuzz
And think about you instead.

Fuzz comes in so many forms
Others feelings, pressures, finance.
Well they're there regardless
So stop worrying and dance!

Let your hair down
Do whatever it is you love
And mold your world around yourself
Until it fits you like a glove.

Now I'm off, I've said my piece
I know what's in my reach
So I'm away to do my best
And practice what I preach

X

Lightning and thunder.

Dare you let this life
Pass you by
When it's so full
Of wonder

Full of passion
Full of love
Full off lightning crashes
And thunder

Life can be so placid
So straight forward
And lacking in joy

But life should be like
A child at Christmas
Opening a brand new toy

We should feel passion
We should feel love
And grab our chances to live

Because all too soon
It is gone
And has nothing left to give

So why do we set limits
And deny ourselves
Joy for real

The physical
The spiritual
The touch and how it feels

Don't look back at life
When your time comes
And have regret

Make decisions that are right today
This life's yours
Please don't forget.

Loosely labelled here

I'm not sure why
No rationale
But today I felt inclined
To tell those who are dear to me
How I felt
From deep inside

It's difficult
Because there are those
Who mean an awful lot
Who don't know that
I'd include them
On my list quite near to the top.

So like the coward
that I am
ill tell no one directly
Instead I'll post
This poem here
Anonymous, discretely.

There are those who are obvious
like family
and mates
Who I love without condition
See a lot of
And that's great

But they know,
Or I hope they do
How important that they are.
It's not to them
I'm talking really
It's to those who are more afar.

To those I'd not dare tell how much
They're existence
As part of my life
Helps every day
Enabling me
To get through trouble and strife

To those who only touched my life
Fleetingly, and are
Now gone
They are a part of who I was
And who I am
As I move on

To those who are on the fringes,
Who I know
But don't know really
I have a great relationship
As I can talk
Very clearly

I've great affection
For the people whom
I've loosely labeled here
I hope you know
If you are one
And hold me equally dear

X