Turn away

If my tears should stain my face
Then please just turn away
My tears are not for sympathy,
Not to force someone to stay

A degree of helplessness I feel
Like everything's worth nothing
Like waking up on Christmas Day
To nothing in your stocking

Although I know i am feeling tired
I know i will not sleep.
And It's around this time I know
That i may start to weep

If my tears should stain my face
Then please just turn away
My tears are not for sympathy,
Not to force someone to stay

Concentration that's long gone
Focus completely shot
And mistakes I'm making as a result
See my confidence just rot

The result of all this low mood
This anxiety and stress
Mean tears are never far away
And I'm a total mess

If my tears should stain my face
Then please just turn away
My tears are not for sympathy,
Not to force someone to stay

If you should find me quiet
And not in the mood to talk
Then simply turn around because
It's easier to walk

Than to suffer time with me like this,
I really understand.
I'd not wish me on anyone
It's like drowning on dry land

If my tears should stain my face
Stay with me please, i need
My friends around to help me through
And stem this flowing bleed

Holiday

So it's that time again where I
Ask questions of my brain
Like why do I allow myself
To get talked on to this plane

If god had meant for us to fly
Then he'd have made sure we had wings.
As I'm waiting for our runway slot
I think about these things

I know that science can explain
How something so heavy and large
Can fly at 40,000 feet
With the captain at its charge

But the fear is very real for me
And I always feel the same
What if I were to never see
My family again?

My wife and kids are with me
And that's something I suppose
But I really wish another route
To holiday we'd chose

The taxiing almost complete
The engines start to roar
If this thing wasn't locked up tight
I'd be headed for the door

So here we go, please god be kind
safely guide us on our way
Onward toward our destination
And our family holiday

Keep safe those that we love
And left at home today I pray
'Til we return in a weeks time
Be with them every day

I do this for the wife and kids
I'll enjoy it when I'm there
But god I hate the start and end
Of my holiday, in mid air!

The trappings of success

How can I feel for one whole day
That everything's Allright
Then wake up in the morning
And it's all changed over night

The knott that's tied up in my stomach
Is back and I am here
Face to face with another day
And face to face with fear

The fear of failure looming large
And I know i've no chance
Life is like a quick step
And sadly I can't dance

I can't remember ever thinking
"Yes I'm good enough"
I've always expected that ill fail
And as such I've had to bluff

If I played poker I think that I
Would be a millionaire
Because I don't think that even I
Could read the blankness in my stare

It feels like nothing's going on
Behind my vacant eyes
So fool them all, it's the only way
Each day the same disguise

I'm in control, I'm happy
I've perfected this like art
But behind this facade of happy
Is a man falling apart

I have a supporting family
Supporting friends and colleagues too
But in myself I've zero faith
I don't know what to do

I don't know where this road will end
It's been going on so long
All I know for certain is
These feelings must be wrong

I hope one day I wake up
And find me, happy, at ease
If anyone's up there listening
Then will you help me please?

I don want riches, fame or fortune,
The trappings of success
Ill settle for a happy me
To replace this bloody mess

Legacy

Today a special friend of mine
found out a loved one
has very little time left

He has been ill,
its not a massive surprise
But I'm sure many tears were wept

I have never met the man
But heard a lot about him
as a dad

With his wife he brought
3 daughters up
she's amazing, he didn't do too bad

As a working class man
in a working class area
your legacy is usually small

But with a daughter like her
and her sisters too I bet
he'll depart this world standing tall

His legacy is
his three girls,
and the things that make them all unique

They will all have something of him
Something genetic
Never bleak

From what I know my friend never wanted
for love
it was just a given

Maybe in a shrugged shoulders
Northern kind of way
But for that he'll be forgiven.

The memories of our loved ones
when they pass over
will not subside

And I'm sure my friend
will have plenty to go
in that special place inside

That place we reserve
for those loved and lost
and hopefully to soften the pain

If the stuff they told us
at church was all true
then its not goodbye, but see you again.

My thoughts and wishes are with you and your family.  Be strong.

warmth of love

My kids as individuals
More different couldn't be
My son is thoughtful, sensitive
My daughter just crazy!

They both are very loving
Very caring and both sweet
And most people who meet them
find them quite the joy to meet

I suppose like all kids out there
They both have their annoying traits
She loves the last word all the time
And he can seldom wait

Patience is most definitely
Not his strongest suit
Especially with his sister
When she's putting in the boot

If he's in trouble with his mum or me
She makes damn sure it sticks
And she is not alone you know,
When it comes to these kind of tricks

He, well he loves nothing more
Than to tell us the of things
His sister has done when we're not there
Like a little bird he sings

But they're brother and sister
And It is their job to bicker
And wind each other up and see
which one of the two is quicker

To run into the living room
And get the blame laid first
The thought of being second there,
Good god there's nothing worse

Beyond all of the squabble
And the niggle and the fight
They really do love each other
And of course that's only right

He may be the more thoughtful,
And probably, just slightly
The one more likely to be upset
Than taking things too lightly

She may be the more boisterous,
The one to push her luck and cheek
The one who'll get sent to her room
More times in every week

But I'd not change him being thoughtful
Or her being so loud
I love them both completely
And without doubt I'm so proud

As a parent you hope that your kids
Will be happy, well adjusted.
And all the better if you know
They're respectful and are trusted.

I know I've a long way to go
They're young I know there'll be
Difficult times ahead for them
And for their mum and me

But no matter what it is
Their future it should hold.
The warmth of love I have for them
Could never become cold.

Archetypal bloke

I woke up early again this morning
And I was greeted by a lovely day
Beautiful, crisp, autumnal
Almost perfect I would say

I'm trying to be positive
See the good things not the bad
To try and be the happy me
Not the one who's always sad

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

Add to this that I have gone
And caught myself a cold
For a relatively young man
Good god I'm feeling old

I drag myself up off the couch
Been here about an hour
It's time to paint my best smile
Wake the kids, and have a shower

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

The weekend is a time for me
To forget work and take it easy
But this I really struggle with
Switching off just isn't in me

I know that I need to relax
And help anxiety subside
And I really am trying to do that
Despite whats going on inside

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

I'm hopeful that the weekend will
Be quiet, no hassle and no mess
Feeling ill and being a basket case
I could do without the stress

I can make light of how I feel
I know I am a joke
I'm hardly what you'd call a "lad"
Or your archetypal bloke

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

Sadly the work that's piled up
On my desk at work will win
I'm going to have to get up tomorrow
And drag my carcass in

But my mind is focussed on the gain
That i'll achieve by going in
I need to get stuff sorted
And take these long weeks on the chin

Prescription meds are helping
And pain killers prescribed
I'm trying to stay positive
And to turn this fierce tide

Sleep

I sit downstairs exhausted
I know I'm ready for my bed
So I go upstairs and lay down
And the thoughts go round my head.

What I've done today
And how tomorrow will play out
The worries for my family
And my nagging self doubt

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
A clear head, no depression
No anxiety, no dismay

If sleep's for wimps as the saying goes
Then wimp is a title that I'd take
Because I am not sure just how much more of this
Not sleeping I can take

My body it is failing
And painkillers are the glue
That are holding me together
38 feeling 62

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
A clear head, no depression
No anxiety, no dismay

I've sought the help of people
Who are trained in this sort of thing
And i hope that this will help me get sleep back
And then to it I'll cling.

Maybe when I'm rested
And not running on automatic
These feelings that dog my days and nights
May feel somewhat less dramatic

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
A clear head, no depression
No anxiety, no dismay

This knott that lives inside my stomach
Can finally take its leave
And for the first time in ages, with sleep on side
Just enable me to breathe

To focus, see things clearly
And to help remove the fog
Then maybe I'd write cheery things
And not such a negative blog!

I have not always been this way
And often used to smile
If sleep returns then hopefully
Ill return there in a while.

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
But I'm going to beat this fucking thing
And beating it starts today.

Do you ever?

I wrote this about a month ago, it was the first time I had written anything resembling a poem since junior school and for some reason I just felt compelled to write this down.


Do you ever sit on your toilet
And drift off somewhere and think
About where your life is headed
And if there's a missing link?

Do you ever look around your home
See the things you have amassed
And think about your future
Your present and your past?

Do you ever look at your family
With unconditional love
And wonder if your life is guided
By someone up above?

I often think about my life
And probably too much
But I’ve a lot to be thankful for
My health, my family and such.

Our lives are never easy
Obstacles in our way
But everytime i open my eyes
I’m thankful for today.

Buyer beware

No strings attached
To this personal loan
No strings attached
To this great deal on a mobile phone

But added to your loan was PPI
And the Apr was mental
And the 24 month mobile deal
in reality is expensive rental

No strings attached
To this great apr rate, on a shiny new credit card
No strings attached
To catalogue shopping when money and times are hard

But the transfer rate it doesn't last
And when it goes up it rockets
And the £49 coat you bought
Will cost you 90, emptying your pockets

No strings attached
To this 0 deposit on a brand new car
No strings attached
To a free sky box so the kids think your a star

But 3 years on you'll be lucky
If your car is half your own
And although the kids are still watching sky
The costs mean payday loans

No strings attached
To these loans either
No strings attached
And they won't mind ya
Paying back late
When things are tight
Or lending you more
To see you right
And making sure
That your hundred quid loan
Lasts for years
And is secured on your home

Before you know it
You're totally tied up
With apparently no strings

So how the hell
Do you change this mess
And get on with other things

Like living, sleeping
Having fun
All concepts you have lost
Because with all that no strings shite you bought
Were hidden very heavy costs.

The burden on you personally
Much bigger than the finance
The welfare of your family's at stake
So you carry on this dance

Consolidation, that's the key
Or so daytime telly says
So one massive debt is all you've got
It's yours in a matter of days

I'm afraid this dance is permanent
A vicious circle you are in
You lend to pay your borrowings
And go a few quid further in

Because the Payments have now gone down
You take the extra grand
But the term extended by 3 years
You're sinking in the sand

The corporations know
That you are dying on your arse
But it doesn't matter for a minute
The safeguards are a farce

You're competent
You have got a job
And can afford the monthly fees
They really do not care
That you are broken
On your knees

So where to next?
Is it break the law, or go on Jeremy Kyle?
Or just do both, lets do it
Lets really go out in style

Alcohol and drugs are next
Where will this pain all end
The hope is that you have someone
A really solid friend

Someone who will help you
See the error of your ways
And help you see that once again
You can have better days.

Without that friend, this familiar tale
It always ends the same
Prison, drugs or suicide
They're ways to stop the pain.

No strings attached
To this personal loan
No strings attached
To this great deal on a mobile phone

It's a slippery slope
So please take care
Apply the rule
Buyer beware.