2012

So Christmas Day is over
Over for another year
A day of mad indulgence
Too much food, wine and beer

At least one of the kids has said
They're bored, nothing to do
Even though your living room
Is toys 'r' us mark 2

It started early once again
The kids were so excited
And with their presents thankfully
They were pretty much delighted

As was I I'm pleased to say
Some things I got were great
And moreover the gifts I gave
Have hit the mark to date

Our Christmas Day is split in half
The second half's Boxing Day
It's off to my sisters to do it again
More presents, food and play

It's not really been a brilliant year
Depression, accidents and loss.
Pressures of work were massive
I wish it gone as soon as poss

There were some positives though.
Like Barcelona in the summertime
Greece in October
And my new found love of rhyme!

The ability to dump my thoughts
Into a verse or two
Has been a massive help for me
As a reader, how 'bout you?

As 2012 is on its way
I can't say ill be sad
To close the door behind this one
In fact ill be quite glad.

Now 2013 will be my year
No question, it's a must
To all those who I love and owe
It's time to repay all their trust.

Supreme being?

What kind of world do we live in
Where some nutter takes a gun.
Walks into a primary school
Kills someone's daughter, someone's son

Where stars of yesteryear believed
They were bigger than the law
So took what and whoever they pleased
Behaviour to abhor

The pro gun lobby in the states
Believes in everyone's right
To defend themselves by taking arms
But when will they see the light

The media in our country makes
The famous seem all too perfect.
So the claims of a child that they've been abused
Are ignored and they're lives are wrecked

It's not until the nutter who
Bought weaponry in a wallmart
Decides to turn it on the innocent
That the world questions the laws part

And it's not until the peadophile
Who was such a high profile name
Is buried 6 feet under ground
That his victims can complain

Now maybe I'm being naive
Or over simplifying
But I for one fear for my kids
This world is terrifying

In America everyone has guns
And children who were playing
Were a really easy target for
What amounted to a slaying

In the UK kids were routinely abused
Right under the noses of a "responsible press"
But when those brave enough to speak up did
They were silenced to contain the mess

I asked was I being naive
To think society should be
A place where kids need not fear guns
And perverts roaming free

I can't believe a god above
Would allow these awful acts
And as such can't believe in god
Faced with these painful facts

There are those out there who would point
To free will of man, not god.
Well if there is a god above
They're one very messed up sod

I'd rather not stand up and offer
Worship whilst I'm seeing
This nonsense existing here on earth
There can be no supreme being.

I may end up regretting this
And see an eternity in hell
But for now ill live my life my way
Protect my kids and do it well.

2012

This year has seen depression
Take a fairly nasty hold
And turn my once warm, compassionate heart
Into something horrible and cold

My love for those around me
Didn't change its just instead
Of showing them how much I cared
I snapped with every word I said

So being with me
Or daring to care
Meant you were a target
For sharp words or a glare

So I went to see the doctor
To see what he could do,
Was very open and honest
About how I felt so blue

A course of pills were prescribed,
One little pill a day
And steadily my mood improved
Things were going the right way.

Then someone hit the back of my car
My neck and back a mess
The pain, the difficulty doing my job
And an added world of stress

So football goes out of the window
My one big stress relief,
And as the stress and pressure mount
I steadily lose my self belief

The year was not going really well
And then I lost my nan
I'm back down to the doctors then
I need a new medication plan!

My anxiety levels through the roof
I can not sleep a wink
I'd love to shush my brain just once
But constantly I think.

So two pills a day now is the plan
Instead of just the one
And I am really hopeful that this time
It will banish it, be gone!

The tablets start to work again
And my mood starts to improve
I seek some help with the mental stuff
I'm getting back in the groove

I'm finally able to put a time
On when I started feeling like this
Talking to a shrink seems odd to me
But this clarity is bliss

The one thing that was constant
Whilst I've felt so low this way
Was when and how did this thing start
And will it ever go away?

And like a sudden beam of light
Helping me to see
I trace this all back to an illness
And how that affected me

And from that moment clarity
Gives me a really great feeling
I'm not some bloody nutter
Who's mind is off free wheeling

So when the end of the final box
Of tablets is all done
Ill not seek a new prescription now
I've taken about a ton!

I'm sure the medical experts would
Tell me "reduce the dose"
But I know me, my mind and body
No one else comes close.

So off the tablets I have come
A month now give or take.
And thankfully I'm doing really well
It's about time for gods sake!

The egg shells those around me
Have had to tred on every day
Have gone for good, or at least I hope
And 2013's on its way.

This will be the year for me
Where I move on and forget
The cold hearted person I became
It's Gonna be my best year yet.

Frost on rooftops

Frost on rooftops
Sun rising behind
Your breath today's visible
Winter has arrived

Black ice is hiding
In patches on the roads
And all the local football teams
Will see their games postponed

Hats become a must have
Scarves and gloves are re-born
The fashion mantra fast becomes
"Sod fashion just stay warm"

Frost on rooftops
Sun rising behind
Your breath today's visible
Winter has arrived

By lunch time the sunshine
Commands clear skies
And sunglasses cover
Most drivers eyes

The temperature is still
Barely above freezing
That sun in the sky
It's really just teasing

Frost thawing on rooftops
Sun risen and high
Your breath still visible
The ground crisp and dry

The cute Christmas markets
The planes vapour trails
Form a beautiful backdrop
To big retail sales

It's time to buy presents
In the chaos that's the cities
Late night shopping
To piped hymns and Christmas ditties

Frost returning to rooftops
Sun setting behind
You're chilly and a fireside
Glass of wine is in mind

When you get home the heating
Has prepared a warm house
Watch the TV with the kids
Snuggle up to your spouse

Draw the curtains relax,
Shut out the cold
It's toastie inside
And the day it is old

Frost on rooftops
The moon bright and clear
The mercury falling
As Christmas draws near.

The pressure of modern life

At 7am the sunrise
Is nowhere to be seen
And the journey in to work today
takes place like its a dream

On auto pilot, yet again
The journey it is taken
And only when I step out of the car
Does my mind really awaken

I often wonder how the time,
A Half an hour, passed
It disappears in a blur most days
In a blink its gone so fast

And then it's in, and on with work
Another day begins
The pressure of the day it starts
Is it payment for my sins?

I enjoy my job, joking aside
Though some days I could cry
Some days are fine whist challenging
And others pass me by

And I wonder where did that day go
Just like the journey in.
I blink and I have missed it
It was a race I couldn't win

Sometimes the day is taken up
With things I had not planned
But customers they must come first
And god I'm in demand!

And by 7pm if I am lucky
The day will close again
Back out in to the darkness
And inevitably rain!

To join the race for home once more
And hopefully be in time
To kiss good night to my two kids
Before the wooden hill they climb.

And come 9pm ill settle down
A cuppa with the wife.
And think about tomorrow
And the pressure of modern life.

Control

Those around you who really care
Will treat you by default
With kid gloves when things aren't quite right
To them it is a jolt

That takes them back somewhere not nice
To when your mental state
Made them think twice about your moods
Though they've been good of late

And question everything they said
Incase it triggered off
A phase for you that dragged you down
Turned a peak into a trough

And though its hard for you, I know,
to understand this strange reaction
For them they are a passenger
in a car that just lost traction

Where it will lead they've no idea
Until the crash occurs
And as a result all rationale
And all perspective blurs

They wrap you up in cotton wool
To avoid a painful ending
And all they really do achieve
Is seem very condescending

Which then will make their prophecy
Start to fulfil itself
That you were bound to slip back in
To a poor state of mental health

It's not their fault and that you know
It's all in your control
Can you avoid this painful slide
Stop digging and plug this hole?

The only person in control
Of all of this is you
And you is me, in this case at least,
And I know what I must do

Understand that the fear for me
From those who really care
Is from a most sincere place
To fail, I would not dare

I owe a debt of gratitude
For the support that I've received
When this is a distant memory
I'll be massively relieved.

One massive step

Today I take a massive step
Toward rehabilitation
When I'm face to face with Someone
With ideas above their station

Someone who's attitude and actions
Made me resign a role I held
Someone who gave me a mouthful,
Challenged the images I held

Not only of him
Who previously I never would have thought,
Could behave this way
But I was wrong, a lesson I was tought.

But also those about myself
As a kind and caring man
Listen to him and you'd have thought
I was hitler or sadam

I've suffered as a result of this
Attack made by a friend
Being threatened by someone like that
Is a bridge that's hard to mend

Not that any attempt has ever
Or ever will be made
To apologise for the outburst
Or the seed of doubt it laid

And not forgetting all the kids
As this happened, stood there
I'm glad that I had self control
And did not lay my soul bare

And tell him how I really felt
The disgust and anger I had
But 13 kids in my charge came first
So I secretly went mad.

Breathed in and out, counted to ten
And then did it again
I needed to just calm myself
Engage my mouth after my brain

A few days later i was still annoyed
And unable to accept
That I'd deserved this treatment and
so to the side I stepped

Let someone else stand up and
Take that abuse if it comes
My life is crazy enough without
Lunatic dads and mums.

And for the first time in many months
Tonight ill sit in a meeting
With the man who ruined everything
Who made my job so very fleeting

Before I walk in the room
Deep breath and count to ten
And then ill hold my head up and
Be me, be strong again

Ill not let anyone again
achieve what he did that day
I'm stronger now, I'm a bigger man
I'm very proud to say

Our future

Three baseball caps
Three north face jackets
Jeans half hanging off
In pockets, fag packets

The three of them menacing
Without saying a thing
Their very appearance
Has a familiar ring

They're bound to be trouble,
Let's just presume shall we
Because of their clothes
That they're from a bad family

That they've no strong role model
That they're the future dole queue
And not that they may
Just have nothing to do

That they may just be kids
Learning all about life
Looking for an identity
And not looking for strife

They're 14 or 15
That difficult age
There's No funding for youth clubs
So the streets are their stage

The fashion may not be
What we used to wear
And we may roll our eyes
And say "god cut your hair"

But when I was that age
I stood out from the crowd
A Morrissey quiff
Doc Martins, dead proud

My mates were all scallies
All trackies and brands
But the one thing we all had
Was time on our hands

The majority of my crowd
Have turned out alright
We never went out
And looked for a fight

We were just hanging out
Spending time with each other
Looking out for your mates
Like they were your brothers

No north face jackets
No caps were we wearing
But were we so different
From all the bad we are hearing?

About the kids of today
And of how they're all bad
They're not you know, really
And it's driving me mad

Lets give the majority
An easier time
They're childhood's no different
To yours was or mine

The media love
To have someone to berate
These kids are our future
Lets not fill them with hate

Toward the establishment
Toward our generation
Give our children a chance
They will soon lead our Nation

Alarmed!

At 6am the fire alarm
With a dying battery chimes
Not for long I don't suppose
But may as well be 100 times

Because the idea I had last night
Of a nice lie in this morning
Is gone as I sit on the couch
Wide awake, not even yawning

This is the time on most weekdays
That I get up and start my day
But 7 or 8 is a great lie in
It's my treat, but no chance today

Once I am awake there's no going back
and sleep again, yeah right
Once I'm awake I'm awake for the day
Wish the battery had gone last night.

Oh well at least I've peace and quiet
No tv, no noise, no stress
Ha, if only that were true
5 mins max I guess

Before my son or daughter rise,
The telly will come on
American "comedy" made for kids
Silence, peace and quiet gone

But that's what family life is like
No peace, no quiet, no space
But it's worth it just to see a smile
On either mischievous face.

So At 6am the fire alarm
With a dying battery chimed
And brought me into another day
With my kids, so I don't mind.

Turn away

If my tears should stain my face
Then please just turn away
My tears are not for sympathy,
Not to force someone to stay

A degree of helplessness I feel
Like everything's worth nothing
Like waking up on Christmas Day
To nothing in your stocking

Although I know i am feeling tired
I know i will not sleep.
And It's around this time I know
That i may start to weep

If my tears should stain my face
Then please just turn away
My tears are not for sympathy,
Not to force someone to stay

Concentration that's long gone
Focus completely shot
And mistakes I'm making as a result
See my confidence just rot

The result of all this low mood
This anxiety and stress
Mean tears are never far away
And I'm a total mess

If my tears should stain my face
Then please just turn away
My tears are not for sympathy,
Not to force someone to stay

If you should find me quiet
And not in the mood to talk
Then simply turn around because
It's easier to walk

Than to suffer time with me like this,
I really understand.
I'd not wish me on anyone
It's like drowning on dry land

If my tears should stain my face
Stay with me please, i need
My friends around to help me through
And stem this flowing bleed

Holiday

So it's that time again where I
Ask questions of my brain
Like why do I allow myself
To get talked on to this plane

If god had meant for us to fly
Then he'd have made sure we had wings.
As I'm waiting for our runway slot
I think about these things

I know that science can explain
How something so heavy and large
Can fly at 40,000 feet
With the captain at its charge

But the fear is very real for me
And I always feel the same
What if I were to never see
My family again?

My wife and kids are with me
And that's something I suppose
But I really wish another route
To holiday we'd chose

The taxiing almost complete
The engines start to roar
If this thing wasn't locked up tight
I'd be headed for the door

So here we go, please god be kind
safely guide us on our way
Onward toward our destination
And our family holiday

Keep safe those that we love
And left at home today I pray
'Til we return in a weeks time
Be with them every day

I do this for the wife and kids
I'll enjoy it when I'm there
But god I hate the start and end
Of my holiday, in mid air!

The trappings of success

How can I feel for one whole day
That everything's Allright
Then wake up in the morning
And it's all changed over night

The knott that's tied up in my stomach
Is back and I am here
Face to face with another day
And face to face with fear

The fear of failure looming large
And I know i've no chance
Life is like a quick step
And sadly I can't dance

I can't remember ever thinking
"Yes I'm good enough"
I've always expected that ill fail
And as such I've had to bluff

If I played poker I think that I
Would be a millionaire
Because I don't think that even I
Could read the blankness in my stare

It feels like nothing's going on
Behind my vacant eyes
So fool them all, it's the only way
Each day the same disguise

I'm in control, I'm happy
I've perfected this like art
But behind this facade of happy
Is a man falling apart

I have a supporting family
Supporting friends and colleagues too
But in myself I've zero faith
I don't know what to do

I don't know where this road will end
It's been going on so long
All I know for certain is
These feelings must be wrong

I hope one day I wake up
And find me, happy, at ease
If anyone's up there listening
Then will you help me please?

I don want riches, fame or fortune,
The trappings of success
Ill settle for a happy me
To replace this bloody mess

Legacy

Today a special friend of mine
found out a loved one
has very little time left

He has been ill,
its not a massive surprise
But I'm sure many tears were wept

I have never met the man
But heard a lot about him
as a dad

With his wife he brought
3 daughters up
she's amazing, he didn't do too bad

As a working class man
in a working class area
your legacy is usually small

But with a daughter like her
and her sisters too I bet
he'll depart this world standing tall

His legacy is
his three girls,
and the things that make them all unique

They will all have something of him
Something genetic
Never bleak

From what I know my friend never wanted
for love
it was just a given

Maybe in a shrugged shoulders
Northern kind of way
But for that he'll be forgiven.

The memories of our loved ones
when they pass over
will not subside

And I'm sure my friend
will have plenty to go
in that special place inside

That place we reserve
for those loved and lost
and hopefully to soften the pain

If the stuff they told us
at church was all true
then its not goodbye, but see you again.

My thoughts and wishes are with you and your family.  Be strong.

warmth of love

My kids as individuals
More different couldn't be
My son is thoughtful, sensitive
My daughter just crazy!

They both are very loving
Very caring and both sweet
And most people who meet them
find them quite the joy to meet

I suppose like all kids out there
They both have their annoying traits
She loves the last word all the time
And he can seldom wait

Patience is most definitely
Not his strongest suit
Especially with his sister
When she's putting in the boot

If he's in trouble with his mum or me
She makes damn sure it sticks
And she is not alone you know,
When it comes to these kind of tricks

He, well he loves nothing more
Than to tell us the of things
His sister has done when we're not there
Like a little bird he sings

But they're brother and sister
And It is their job to bicker
And wind each other up and see
which one of the two is quicker

To run into the living room
And get the blame laid first
The thought of being second there,
Good god there's nothing worse

Beyond all of the squabble
And the niggle and the fight
They really do love each other
And of course that's only right

He may be the more thoughtful,
And probably, just slightly
The one more likely to be upset
Than taking things too lightly

She may be the more boisterous,
The one to push her luck and cheek
The one who'll get sent to her room
More times in every week

But I'd not change him being thoughtful
Or her being so loud
I love them both completely
And without doubt I'm so proud

As a parent you hope that your kids
Will be happy, well adjusted.
And all the better if you know
They're respectful and are trusted.

I know I've a long way to go
They're young I know there'll be
Difficult times ahead for them
And for their mum and me

But no matter what it is
Their future it should hold.
The warmth of love I have for them
Could never become cold.

Archetypal bloke

I woke up early again this morning
And I was greeted by a lovely day
Beautiful, crisp, autumnal
Almost perfect I would say

I'm trying to be positive
See the good things not the bad
To try and be the happy me
Not the one who's always sad

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

Add to this that I have gone
And caught myself a cold
For a relatively young man
Good god I'm feeling old

I drag myself up off the couch
Been here about an hour
It's time to paint my best smile
Wake the kids, and have a shower

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

The weekend is a time for me
To forget work and take it easy
But this I really struggle with
Switching off just isn't in me

I know that I need to relax
And help anxiety subside
And I really am trying to do that
Despite whats going on inside

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

I'm hopeful that the weekend will
Be quiet, no hassle and no mess
Feeling ill and being a basket case
I could do without the stress

I can make light of how I feel
I know I am a joke
I'm hardly what you'd call a "lad"
Or your archetypal bloke

Prescription meds are helping
Take the edge off the low mood
And pain killers, again prescribed
I take 8 a day with food

Sadly the work that's piled up
On my desk at work will win
I'm going to have to get up tomorrow
And drag my carcass in

But my mind is focussed on the gain
That i'll achieve by going in
I need to get stuff sorted
And take these long weeks on the chin

Prescription meds are helping
And pain killers prescribed
I'm trying to stay positive
And to turn this fierce tide

Sleep

I sit downstairs exhausted
I know I'm ready for my bed
So I go upstairs and lay down
And the thoughts go round my head.

What I've done today
And how tomorrow will play out
The worries for my family
And my nagging self doubt

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
A clear head, no depression
No anxiety, no dismay

If sleep's for wimps as the saying goes
Then wimp is a title that I'd take
Because I am not sure just how much more of this
Not sleeping I can take

My body it is failing
And painkillers are the glue
That are holding me together
38 feeling 62

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
A clear head, no depression
No anxiety, no dismay

I've sought the help of people
Who are trained in this sort of thing
And i hope that this will help me get sleep back
And then to it I'll cling.

Maybe when I'm rested
And not running on automatic
These feelings that dog my days and nights
May feel somewhat less dramatic

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
A clear head, no depression
No anxiety, no dismay

This knott that lives inside my stomach
Can finally take its leave
And for the first time in ages, with sleep on side
Just enable me to breathe

To focus, see things clearly
And to help remove the fog
Then maybe I'd write cheery things
And not such a negative blog!

I have not always been this way
And often used to smile
If sleep returns then hopefully
Ill return there in a while.

Sleep I'm sure is not alone
The thing that will make me fine
Itself it is a symptom and
I appreciate it will take time
For me to get to where I want to be
And to where I want to stay
But I'm going to beat this fucking thing
And beating it starts today.

Do you ever?

I wrote this about a month ago, it was the first time I had written anything resembling a poem since junior school and for some reason I just felt compelled to write this down.


Do you ever sit on your toilet
And drift off somewhere and think
About where your life is headed
And if there's a missing link?

Do you ever look around your home
See the things you have amassed
And think about your future
Your present and your past?

Do you ever look at your family
With unconditional love
And wonder if your life is guided
By someone up above?

I often think about my life
And probably too much
But I’ve a lot to be thankful for
My health, my family and such.

Our lives are never easy
Obstacles in our way
But everytime i open my eyes
I’m thankful for today.

Buyer beware

No strings attached
To this personal loan
No strings attached
To this great deal on a mobile phone

But added to your loan was PPI
And the Apr was mental
And the 24 month mobile deal
in reality is expensive rental

No strings attached
To this great apr rate, on a shiny new credit card
No strings attached
To catalogue shopping when money and times are hard

But the transfer rate it doesn't last
And when it goes up it rockets
And the £49 coat you bought
Will cost you 90, emptying your pockets

No strings attached
To this 0 deposit on a brand new car
No strings attached
To a free sky box so the kids think your a star

But 3 years on you'll be lucky
If your car is half your own
And although the kids are still watching sky
The costs mean payday loans

No strings attached
To these loans either
No strings attached
And they won't mind ya
Paying back late
When things are tight
Or lending you more
To see you right
And making sure
That your hundred quid loan
Lasts for years
And is secured on your home

Before you know it
You're totally tied up
With apparently no strings

So how the hell
Do you change this mess
And get on with other things

Like living, sleeping
Having fun
All concepts you have lost
Because with all that no strings shite you bought
Were hidden very heavy costs.

The burden on you personally
Much bigger than the finance
The welfare of your family's at stake
So you carry on this dance

Consolidation, that's the key
Or so daytime telly says
So one massive debt is all you've got
It's yours in a matter of days

I'm afraid this dance is permanent
A vicious circle you are in
You lend to pay your borrowings
And go a few quid further in

Because the Payments have now gone down
You take the extra grand
But the term extended by 3 years
You're sinking in the sand

The corporations know
That you are dying on your arse
But it doesn't matter for a minute
The safeguards are a farce

You're competent
You have got a job
And can afford the monthly fees
They really do not care
That you are broken
On your knees

So where to next?
Is it break the law, or go on Jeremy Kyle?
Or just do both, lets do it
Lets really go out in style

Alcohol and drugs are next
Where will this pain all end
The hope is that you have someone
A really solid friend

Someone who will help you
See the error of your ways
And help you see that once again
You can have better days.

Without that friend, this familiar tale
It always ends the same
Prison, drugs or suicide
They're ways to stop the pain.

No strings attached
To this personal loan
No strings attached
To this great deal on a mobile phone

It's a slippery slope
So please take care
Apply the rule
Buyer beware.

A book I can permanently close

When my heart feels this heavy
I really can't explain
How as someone who has so much in his life
I can feel this kind of pain

I couldn't feel more contempt
For myself and don't know why
I just want to lock myself away
Just hide from the world and cry

It feels as though I'm always waiting
To be uncovered, be found out
As a fraud, a phoney, a charlatan
And I don't understand what that's about

I've been relatively successful
Two kids, two cars, nice house
A wife who I love completely
Why did she deserve this spouse?

I often wonder where they'd all be
If tomorrow I was gone
And without me how would their lives change
But I'm sure they'd carry on

Maybe without me as a weight
Forever holding them back
They'd find a happy place to be
Stop defending and attack

Life is for the living
Sometimes I'm the living dead
I just wish I could silence the doubt
And the questions in my head

I really fear my feelings
May be passed on, be genetic
I'd hate it if my legacy was
Feeling useless and pathetic.

My boy is very sensitive
But bright and full of life
My girl is challenging, opinionated
And strong willed like my wife

I know that they can both grow up
To be something of which i'll be proud
They both have what it takes I think
To stand out from the crowd

So every day ill do my best
To make them believe their dad is fine
I think i'm a reasonable actor
And these are well remembered lines.

It would be nice to just be me
And not have to wear a mask
Sadly though, for now at least
It seems that's too much to ask.

So, for now, two green pills a day
Are the answer to my woes
I hope this is a book that soon
I can permanently close.

Introduction

I have been suffering with depression for a while now, and have been trying to think of ways to deal with my feelings and how to voice them without upsetting people who care for me.

I recently took to writing things down, and then drifted in to something I have not done for many many years.  I think I last wrote poetry in the third year of Junior school (a time where I was feeling very much the outsider and the easy target) and maybe its at these times in my life when I am struggling with being me that I have this desire to write.  God knows.  But I am going to post some stuff here from time to time and if anyone is interested then that's great.

If no one is interested then I totally understand!  I don't think I am that interesting either!